Jokes For A Clarinet Named Dimitri

Clarinet Jokes

 A limerick was made for my clarinet,

An instrument some folks are swarinet
For it sounded so bad,
That the last one I had,
The kittens were constantly barinet.
_______________
A man walked out to a meat store looking for some brains for dinner.
He looked at the selections:
Flute Brains, $1/lb
Tuba Brains, $10/lb
Percussion Brains, $5/lb
Then he saw a sign that read:
Clarinet Brains, $100/lb
He asked the butcher why clarinet brains were so expensive. The butcher replied, "Do you know how many clarinets you have to kill to get a pound of brains?"
_______________
A pony walks into a clarinet store and says "May I have a clarinet?"
Man says "What? I can't hear you. Speak up!"
"May I please have a clarinet?"
"What? You have to speak up!"
"Could I please have a clarinet?"

"Now listen, if you don't speak up I will not help you."

"I'm sorry, I'm just a little hoarse."
_______________

An oboist noticed at the end of each rehearsal break, one of the clarinetists would look at the inside flap of his jacket before he sat down to resume rehearsal. This continued for several years, and the oboist became quite curious about it.
One day, during hot weather, the clarinetist took off his jacket and went off on break. The oboist waited until everyone was off the platform, looked around, and sneaked over to the jacket.
He pulled back the flap and saw a little note pinned on the inside. It read: "left hand top, right hand bottom."
_______________
Did you hear about the 3rd clarinetist who claimed he could play 32nd notes?
To prove it, he played just one.
_______________
Guy goes into the john at the concert hall and takes a leak . Another guy comes in and takes a leak next to him but a fountain of pee goes everywhere including all over the first guy. Looking at the other guy's equipment he sees that it's full of holes! The second guy says that he has always had this problem. So the first guy gives the second a business card and tells him to go and see this man, to which the second guy replies asking "Is this a doctor?" "No, says the first guy, "It's a clarinet player, he'll show you how to hold it!"
_______________
How do you get a clarinet player to play louder?
You can't!
_______________
How do you get a clarinetist out of a tree?
Cut the noose.
_______________
How do you know a clarinet player is playing loud?
You can almost hear them.
_______________

How do you know when a clarinet player is at your house?
They don't know where to enter and what key to use.
_______________
How do you know when a clarinetist has died?
The concertmaster moves them back a chair...
_______________
How do you make a saxophone sound like a clarinet?
Miss a lot of notes...
_______________
How do you put down a tenor saxophone?
Confuse it with a bass clarinet.
_______________
How do you put a twinkle in a clarinetist’s eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear!
_______________
How do you stop an oboe from being stolen?
Put it in a clarinet case.
_______________
How does a clarinetist get the best parking spaces?
He leaves his instrument case on the dashboard.
_______________
How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one.
_______________
If most musicians are either high or low, what does that make an orchestral third clarinetist?
Confused.
_______________

Is there any difference between the sound of a clarinet and that of a cat in heat?
Of course there is, but only if the cat's in good health.
_______________
Most clarinetists can’t even reed music.
_______________
So, a clarinet walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
Or was that a horse? Never mind.
_______________
The advantage of a banjo over a clarinet, on a cruise ship adventure, are obvious.
If the ship hits rocks and begins to sink, a clarinet is usually too short to stand on the bottom and breathe through until rescue arrives; but a person might climb upon some floating wreckage, and use the banjo to paddle towards shore.
_______________
What do you call a bass-clarinetist with half a brain?
Gifted.
_______________
What do call a line setup by clarinets?
A circle
_______________
What do clarinetists use for birth control?
Their personalities.
_______________
What do you call clarinet players?
REED addicts
_______________
What do you call 20 clarinetists at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.
_______________

What do you get when you cross a piccolo and a clarinet?
An earache.
_______________
What do you get when you remove half a bass clarinetist's brain?
An even more gifted contrabass clarinetist.
_______________
What does a clarinet have in common with a lawsuit?
Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
_______________
What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop an clarinet into little pieces.
_______________
What kind of calendar does a clarinetist use for his gigs?
"Year-at-a-glance"!
_______________

What uses do clarinets and saxophones have in hospitals?

The saxophone is used to lull crying babies to sleep and the clarinet to wake coma patients.
_______________
What's the definition of a nerd?
Someone who has his or her own alto clarinet.
_______________
What's the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a clarinet in the toilet and it doesn't hit the sides.
_______________
What's the difference between a clarinet and a mouse?
You can't hear a mouse squeak over the entire band!
_______________

What's the difference between a clarinet solo and scraping your nails down the blackboard?
Vibrato.
_______________
What's the difference between a professional clarinet player and a professional banjo player?
About $50 an hour.
_______________
What's the difference between 1st and 2nd clarinet?
A semi-tone.
And the difference between the 1st and 3rd?
A minute and a half.
_______________
What's the purpose of the bell on a bass clarinet?
Storing the ashes from the rest of the instrument.
_______________

Which hospital should a bad-sounding Clarinet go to?

Walter REED!
_______________
Why are most clarinets black?
So that they will be banned in California along with black-colored cars.
_______________

Why are there so many clarinets in a concert band?
It increases the odds that one will play the right note.
_______________
Why aren't there very many alto clarinet jokes?
Most people have better things to do with their time.
_______________
Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
So they can park in the handicap zones.
_______________
Why does a clarinet disappear when it is left in a sandbox?
The cats buried it.
_______________
Why don't they make mutes for clarinets?
It would be a waste of time--it would take a lot more than a mute to make a clarinet sound good!
_______________
Why was the clarinet invented?
To make the oboe look good, mess up someone's fingers, and to ensure that there will always be someone to steal reeds from.

Jokes For Those Talented Enough To Play The Oboe (like me!!)

Oboe Jokes play around the life and times of all oboe players.

Players of this instrument must have an incredible amount of patience and perseverance to master this instrument.

They deal with incredible head back pressure their entire musical careers.

Maybe it's showing a little. (Only Oboists will understand)

Oboe Jokes

Define a lady

She owns an oboe yet refuses to play it.

How can you tell the first chair oboe player has been at a computer?

There is white out all over the screen.

How can you tell the second chair oboe player was at the computer after the first chair oboe player?

There is writing on the white out.

How do you get an oboe player’s eyes to light up?

Shine a flashlight in their ears.

How do you get five oboes in tune?

Shoot four of them.

How do you keep a clarinet from being stolen?

Put it in an oboe case.

How do you make an oboist play a sustained A-flat?

Steal his batteries.

How many oboe players does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one but he'll go through 30 to 40 bulbs to find the best one.

The only time two oboes sound good together is when they're so out of tune they actually sound like bagpipes.

There was a band director who had a gun with two bullets there was a bad oboe player, trumpet player, and bassoon player. Who did he shoot?

The oboe player- twice, just to make sure.

What are burning oboes used for?

To set bassoons on fire.

What are oboes good for?

Kindling when burning bassoons.

What do an oboe and a baseball have in common?

People cheer when you hit them with a bat.

What do you call perfect pitch in an oboe?

In the dumpster without hitting the side.

What is a burning oboe good for?

Setting a bassoon on fire.

What is the definition of a half step?

Two oboes playing in unison.

What is the definition of a major second?

Two baroque oboes playing in unison.

What is the definition of a minor second?

Two oboes playing in unison.

What's the difference between a family reunion and an oboe solo?

You know they are both coming and there is not a darn thing you can do about it!!

What's the difference between a high-school oboe section and a 12-cylinder Jaguar engine?

a)With enough time and work, you can eventually get the 12-cylinder Jag in tune.

What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?

A bad oboist can kill you.

What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?

You don't cry when you're cutting up the oboe.

What's the difference between an oboist and a psychiatric ward patient?

The oboist just hasn't been caught yet.

What's the difference between oboe road kill and raccoon road kill?

Skid marks in front of the raccoon!

What's wrong with oboes?

Everything.

When is an oboe a good oboe?

When it's down a toilet.

Which burns better, an oboe or a bassoon?

A bassoon; there's more wood!

Why are there no oboes in the marching band?

It's bad enough having them in concert band.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get away from the oboe recital.

Why do oboists drive BMWs?

Because they can spell it.

Why does an oboist always have to fight for correct intonation?

Because most oboes are full of holes.

Why don't oboists eat bananas?

They can't find a zipper OR a pull tab.

Why should oboe players get no breaks?

They will forget how to read notes and it will take too long to re-teach them.

Jokes for Those Of the Saxophone Section

Saxophone Jokes

How many sax players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. One to change the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would have done it.

What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawn mower?

                                       1.      Lawn mowers sound better in small ensembles.

                                       2.      You can tune a lawnmower

                                       3.      The neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawnmower and don't return it.

                                       4.      Vibrato.

How do you put down a tenor saxophone?

Confuse it with a bass clarinet.

Kenny G gets on an elevator and says “Wow!  This Rocks!!!”

What is the difference between Kenny G and a machine gun?

The machine gun repeats only 10 times per second.

What is the difference between a saxophone and a trampoline?

You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

How do you define a perfect pitch?

Throwing an alto sax in a toilet from 20 feet without hitting the rim.

What’s the difference between a saxophone and a vacuum cleaner?

You have to plug in the vacuum cleaner before it sucks.

Why did the lead alto sax player play so many wrong notes?

He kept ignoring the key signature.  He thought it was a suggestion.

How many C Melody sax players can you fit in a phone booth?

All of them.

If lost in the woods, whom would you ask for directions?

·         An in-tune tenor sax player

·         An out-of-tune tenor sax player

·         Santa Claus

The answer is: The out-of-tune tenor sax player.  The other two indicate that you’re hallucinating.

What's the difference between a saxophone and a chain saw?

1.      The exhaust

2.      Vibrato

3.      It’s all in the grip.

When should a saxophonist change his reed?

Whenever a difficult section comes up in the music score.

You may be a redneck saxophonist if….

1.      You have an old bass sax up on blocks in your front yard.

2.      You spell it “saxaphone”.

3.      You think the bell of your instrument is a great place to hold a longneck during a gig.

4.      The gun rack in your pickup truck holds a couple of old Buescher sopranos.

5.      You think that Boots Randolph is the greatest Jazz musician who ever lived.

How do you tune five saxophones?

You shoot four.

How are a saxophone and guillotine similar?

They are both lethal, always sharp, and work best when dropped from high places.

What do a saxophone and a baseball bat have in common?

People cheer when you hit them with a bat.

Why did Adolphe Sax invent the saxophone?

He hated mankind, but couldn’t build an atom bomb.

Is the saxophone a woodwind or brass instrument?

Yes it is.

The reason why so many weird noises come out of the saxophone is because Adolphe Sax never issued any instructions on how to use them.  Contrary to popular believe the saxophone was invented as a percussion instrument meant to be beaten by hammers… very large hammers.

What do you call a thousand saxophones at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start.

How many tenor sax players does it take to change a flat tire?

Four – one to change the tire; one to work the jack; and the other two to contemplate on how John Coltrane would have done it.

What’s the difference between a tenor sax player and a macaw?

One is loud, obnoxious and noisy, the other is a bird.

 A saxophone is like a lawsuit.

Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

Small wonder we have so much trouble with air pollution in the world when so much of it has passed through saxophones.

(Nobody can call unfair dealage of band jokes; I play Alto Sax)

Aliens Must be Among Us: Pit and Drumline are Together!!!!!!

This is a marching band joke. Most of the time, the drumline is in the back half of the field( from the perspective of the audience) and the pit is in the very very front, right in front of the drum major. This distance causes some delay issues. Sound travels at a constant speed in all directions through any given medium, in this case, air. If you have two groups playing at the same time from two different places, the sounds from the two groups will reach any given point at different times. This delay sounds horrible. Great lengths are taken so the entire band sounds all together with the front half of the field listening back(playing with the sound they hear coming from the band members behind them,) and the back half watching the drum major in the front of the band. This sounds like a great idea, but is hard to actually carry out, especially in high school, so pit and drumline aren't always together. Pit is expected to match whatever tempo they are given. The hardest part, which very few people give credit for,  is when there are several tempos within the band. No matter which one you follow, you will be yelled at because you weren't with "the band". I'm in pit in my marching band, and our reply when someone (other than the drum majors or directors) gives us a hard time about it is "well, when the rest of you give us only one tempo back there for us to follow, we will." (our marching band isn't always together within the winds, let alone everyone else).  

How to Tell the Difference Between a Nerd and a Geek, part II

Continued from How to Tell the Difference Between a Nerd and a Geek, Part I


#4- Engage the person in conversation- If the person fails to respond in a socially comfortable manner (i.e., they make you nervous, or vice versa), you may be talking to a nerd. If they respond in a comfortable manner but appear a little "dorky", such as speaking and/or acting silly, you might be talking to a geek.(this = me) Also, nerds may speak in layman's terms for your benefit because you may not understand the basic concepts of their area of interest. Geeks may speak in detail about their interests, possibly forgetting that the target audience may not have the same level of knowledge in that field as themselves. (I find that my particular preference positively correlates with the degree of the relationship, with nerd-speak tending to be with those I do not know very well, and geek-speak with those whom I know well:split point)

• Jokes: Geeks usually get them; nerds either don't or can't be bothered trying.^[8]

#5- Inquire about the person's interests- Academic pursuits are good indications of a nerd, while unusual hobbies are more the domain of a geek.

• Example nerd interests:  
  1. Physics (such as quantum mechanics or astronomy), chemistry, biology, engineering, advanced math, and robotics
  2. Chess, and other strategy games
  3. Reading scientific journals
  4. Calculating integrals when drinking to show intoxication levels
  5. Explaining the difference between causality and correlation**
• Example geek interests:
• Specialized forms of activities, such as LARPing*** 
• Niche activities, such as board games or replica prop construction
• Science fiction Novels and comic books
• Buying expensive specialized equipment like $200 headphones
• Odd activities, such as creating Rube-Goldberg machines

(Although I can participate in all of those example interests, I would prefer the geek interests.)

#6- Check out the partner of the person in question- Matt Blum claims that geeks have no problem falling in love with non-geeks but nerds always fall in love with other nerds. However, not all geeks/nerds want the attention of a love interest, or simply don't care whether or not they have one.^{[9]  [10]}

(This is my boyfriend, Zach, and I in one of our homecoming pictures, and we have pretty similar interests)

#7-Aim to assume nothing and to treat all fellow human beings with equal respect, whatever label they're self-applying or you're tempted to apply- While there are a number of (often geek) commentators arguing that the term "geek" has a more modern, updated and positive connotation than that of "nerd"^[10], the viewpoint is in the eye (or argument) of the beholder. The best approach to speaking and engaging with any person in your life is to be respectful, considerate and caring before all else.

• Remember that someone who calls themselves a nerd or geek may have different definition or interpretation of the term than you do. There are regional trends, but definitions should be examined on a person-by-person basis.
• Some geeks perceive themselves as having transitioned from being a nerd earlier in life to becoming a switched-on geek later in life, almost like an epiphany or a rite of passage.^[9] Whatever the case, most of us have experienced growth at various stages of life, so try not to box anybody in with past expectations.
• Be aware that your application of either the term "geek" or "nerd" to another person may be viewed as an insult, whereas if said within the group, it may be viewed as positive.^[11]

  Based on a score of 1.5 to 2.5, I am more "geek" than "nerd", however, like previously stated, "nerds" and "geeks" can be some of both.

If you only get one idea out of this two-part blog post, people, PLEASE REMEMBER #7. You have no idea how many "nerds", "geeks", "dorks", "freaks", and "losers" hate these stereotypes that others place upon them. If they generally declare them self to be one(except for the last title) it is probably OK with them, but still ask them first, and NEVER use these terms as insults. This is not something funny: people take their own lives over matters like this. Using these terms is a form of bullying and harassment if they are unwanted and used as derogatory remarks, intended to hurt. You can and will be prosecuted if you bully someone.

Footnotes and Sources:

**(correlation is "a measure of the extent to which two factors vary together, and thus of how well either factor predicts the other"^[12]; causality is that one factor causes the other factor to vary with it. Two factors can correlate without causality: grey hair correlates positively with golden anniversaries, but neither factor causes the other. Both factors are related to age, as people who are older tend to have more grey hair and more golden anniversaries than younger people.)

***LARPing= Live Action Role Playing:  basically acting out a fantasy video game or card game in real life, with real people, costumes, props and everything. And yes, this is typically in a park, out in public, but then again, if you were LARPing, it is likely you don't particularly care what you look like in public anyway. (I know I don't; I'm the girl who proudly wears her Jedi costume, minus lightsaber due to the school's weapons policy, to school on May 4th. [ the date is a play on words of "May the Force be with you"])

• Wikipedia, Geek
• Wikipedia, Nerd
• WikiHow, Tell the Difference Between Nerds and Geeks

1. ↑ Great White Snark, Finally: The Difference between Nerd, Dork, and Geek Explained by a Venn Diagram
2. ↑ What Is?, Nerds
3. ↑ ^{3.0 3.1 3.2} Wolf Gnards, The Definitive Nerd vs. Geek
4. ↑ What Is?, Geek
5. ↑ Oxford English Dictionary, Geek
6. ↑ Urban Dictionary, Geek
7. ↑ Last Geek, Let's End this: Difference between Geek, Nerd, and Dork
8. ↑ Greg Brady, Top Ten Differences between Nerds and Geeks
9. ↑ ^{9.0 9.1 9.2} Geekdad, Great Geek Debates: “Geek” vs. “Nerd”
10. ↑ Geek Studies, Geeks vs. Nerds
11. ↑ Urban Dictionary, Geek
12. Myers, David G. "Thinking Critically With Psychological Science." Psychology. 9th ed. New York: Worth, 2001. N. pag. Print.

How to Tell the Difference Between a Nerd and a Geek, part I

I had been thinking: most non-band kids refer to band kids as either "band geeks" or "band nerds". I was curious to research which was a more correct term, and which is a better word to describe myself. Although their meanings are virtually interchangeable in colloquial* language today, their meanings, and the people they describe, have many noticeable differences. This is what I came up with, and my comments and how i would fit each point are in italics and parentheses

How to Tell the Difference Between a Nerd and a Geek

The terms "nerd" and "geek" are often used interchangeably, but they are not the same. Both terms can be viewed as either endearing or pejorative depending on how they applied, by whom, and to whom. And there is always passion aplenty involved in the definition and application of either term. This article will help you to tell the difference between nerds and geeks, with ample room for your own subjective interpretation!



#1- Understand the difference- While the terms are often used interchangeably by people "less-in-the-know" (as well as some people who self-apply the labels "geek" or "nerd") and there is often an overlap in characteristics^[1], there are important distinctions to be made.  (When I looked up images for "geek" and "nerd", most of them were the same pictures of a somewhat scrawny guy with a white button-up shirt, big, clunky glasses with tape in the middle that he is pushing up with his finger, a pocket protector, and khaki pants.)

The term "nerd" was apparently coined in 1954, possibly from the Dr Seuss line "A nerkle, a nerd, and a seersucker too!"^[2] A nerd could be viewed as someone with an extremely intense interest or fascination in an academic field of study (often an obscure field) or similar cerebral pursuit. Being a nerd is typically associated with intellect, as a nerd often enjoys specialising in complicated fields of study. (Does taking 8 classes[5 AP/advanced] in a six period schedule count??? ) Nerds may also have difficulties socialising with others, as many tend towards being introverted, although it is also said that a nerd cannot be bothered with developing social skills while busy with other interests.^[3] Nerds often gain a strong and diverse skill set from their studies and experiences, which may at times be unorthodox or impractical. Nerd interests may cover a broad range of interests, from movies to games (video and table-top) to more practical skills such as computer science. (interested in all of those) 

• Very likely to be a rocket scientist, a renowned yet reclusive professor, a scientist, an intellectual, a computer programmer, an engineer, an inventor, etc. ( I am planning to go into a heavily math/science/technology carrier.) 

The term "geek" is often said to have originated from circus performers in sideshows, referring to those who performed bizarre feats.^[4] However, its earliest meaning is, "one who is regarded as foolish, offensive, worthless, etc."^[5] Today, the term has taken on a positive slant and a geek could be viewed as someone with an interest or lifestyle having to do with niche activities, especially fandoms such as Doctor Who or the Avengers and technology.^[3] (STAR WARS!!!! well, sci-fi in general, but still, STAR WARS!!!) It is not uncommon for a geek to be capable of reciting large amounts of knowledge that is unintuitive, intriguing, and (at times) long-winded. The knowledge could be anything from the mundane to “living encyclopedia” status.^[3] Unlike nerds, geeks tend to have average grades.(I'd have to say no to this) Geeks can vary in their interests (ex. anything from (film) to collecting plastic figurines to heavily technological interests like computing, hacking, and programming). Urban Dictionary goes so far as to suggest that society still views computer programming as a "bizarre feat" and the term "geek" is a proud label reflecting this.^[6]

• Likely to be a gamer or Star Trek fan, a technological enthusiast, a film series/book series buff, a free-spirited (not malevolent) technology hacker, a creator of unusual objects (artist, etc.), etc.^[7]

Note that the interests of nerds and geeks often overlap. Most nerds enjoy the more intellectual forms of science fiction and most geeks have a higher knowledge of science or encyclopedic data than the general population.

 (This point goes to nerd; I consistently score in the top 1% of my grade in national standardized tests, and I enjoy pursuits that exercise my cerebral cortex more than physically, although I do play softball and lead a Dragon Dance Team[ think of the dragons in Chinese New Year parades]------->)

#2- Observe the person-  What sort of words and phrases do they interject into their dialogue?

Jargon versus obscure referencing: Nerds are unabashed about using jargon or unfamiliar terminology in their dialogue, whereas geeks will use obscure references abundantly.

Details versus big picture: Geeks often take interest in the microcosmic details of life, such as noticing that your present situation is much like one from a news article or novel. Nerds will be seemingly uninterested in the details of daily life, being more focused on the macroscopic, such as scientific possibilities and the future of humankind.

#3- Take a quick inventory of their prominent possessions, especially ones related to hobbies and other interests- Check for unusual objects, such as a dictionary of an obscure language(say, Chinese???) , or an encyclopedia of exotic birds(more like the encyclopedia of Star Wars vehicles from the prequel, original, AND EXTENDED UNIVERSE!!!!!). Nerds may be more willing than geeks to show off hobbies and possessions that flaunt their intellect, whereas geeks may take pride in more obscure and unique subjects. (so if the above comments in this paragraph are any indication, this point goes to geek)

Continued in How to Tell the Difference Between a Nerd and a Geek, Part II

 *(For those reading this that are unfamiliar with the AP Lang term, colloquial language is less formal than popular, or everyday language, and more formal than slang.)