Sure fire ways to annoy your Band Director and/or get kicked out of the band

Never be satisfied with the tuning note. Fussing about the pitch takes attention away from the podium and puts it on you, where it belongs!

Tune to the wrong note.

Play for five measures after you are cut off.

Ask constantly, "Why didn't I get the solo?" "Why didn't I get first chair?" "Why?" "Why?" Be relentless.

Play things up an octave.

Show up for your audition with the wrong instrument.

Forget your horn, music, anything and everything.
Chew gum.

Hide the director's score.

When raising the music stand, be sure the top comes off and spills the music on the floor!

Push in or pull out one half inch. Have the person sitting next to you do the opposite. Pretend nothing is wrong.

If you are section leader - pretend to play three measures early and see if the rest of the section follows you. They will. Blame them.

Accept no responsibility. Ever.

Complain about the temperature of the rehearsal room, the lighting, crowded space, or a draft. It's best to do this when the conductor is under pressure.

Look the other way just before cues.

Never have the proper mute, extra reeds, etc... percussionists must never have all their equipment.

Ask for a re-audition or seating change. Give the impression you're about to quit. Let the conductor know you're there as a personal favor.

Brass players: Empty spit valves constantly.

Percussionists: drop stuff. (cymbals are unquestionably the best because they roll around for several seconds.)

Loudly blow water from the keys during pauses (Horn, Oboe and Clarinet players are trained to do this from birth).

Long after a passage has gone by, ask the conductor if your C# was in tune. This is especially effective if you had no C# or were not playing at the time (If he catches you, pretend to be correcting a note in your part).

At dramatic moments in the music (while the conductor is emoting) be busy marking your music so that the climaxes will sound empty and disappointing.

Wait until well into a rehearsal before letting the conductor know you don't have the music.

Look at your watch frequently. Shake it in disbelief occasionally.

Tell the conductor, "I can't find the beat!" Conductors are always sensitive about their "stick technique", so challenge it frequently.

Ask the conductor if he has listened to the Bernstein recording of the piece. Imply that he could learn a thing or two from it. Also good: ask "Is this the first time you've conducted this piece?"

When rehearsing a difficult passage, screw up your face and shake your head indicating that you'll never be able to play it. Don't say anything: make him wonder.

If your articulation differs from that of others playing the same phrase, stick to your guns! Do not ask the conductor which is correct until backstage just before the concert.

Find an excuse to leave rehearsal about 15 minutes early so that others will become restless and start to pack up and fidget.

During applause, smile weakly or show no expression at all. Better yet... nonchalantly put away your instrument. Make the conductor feel he is keeping you from doing something really important.