Clarinet Jokes
A limerick was made for my clarinet,
An instrument some folks are swarinet
For it sounded so bad,
That the last one I had,
The kittens were constantly barinet.
_______________
A man walked out to a meat store looking for some brains for dinner.
He looked at the selections:
Flute Brains, $1/lb
Tuba Brains, $10/lb
Percussion Brains, $5/lb
Then he saw a sign that read:
Clarinet Brains, $100/lb
He asked the butcher why clarinet brains were so expensive. The butcher replied, "Do you know how many clarinets you have to kill to get a pound of brains?"
_______________
A pony walks into a clarinet store and says "May I have a clarinet?"
Man says "What? I can't hear you. Speak up!"
"May I please have a clarinet?"
"What? You have to speak up!"
"Could I please have a clarinet?"
"Now listen, if you don't speak up I will not help you."
"I'm sorry, I'm just a little hoarse." _______________
An oboist noticed at the end of each rehearsal break, one of the clarinetists would look at the inside flap of his jacket before he sat down to resume rehearsal. This continued for several years, and the oboist became quite curious about it.
One day, during hot weather, the clarinetist took off his jacket and went off on break. The oboist waited until everyone was off the platform, looked around, and sneaked over to the jacket.
He pulled back the flap and saw a little note pinned on the inside. It read: "left hand top, right hand bottom."
_______________
Did you hear about the 3rd clarinetist who claimed he could play 32nd notes?
To prove it, he played just one.
_______________
Guy goes into the john at the concert hall and takes a leak . Another guy comes in and takes a leak next to him but a fountain of pee goes everywhere including all over the first guy. Looking at the other guy's equipment he sees that it's full of holes! The second guy says that he has always had this problem. So the first guy gives the second a business card and tells him to go and see this man, to which the second guy replies asking "Is this a doctor?" "No, says the first guy, "It's a clarinet player, he'll show you how to hold it!"
_______________
How do you get a clarinet player to play louder?
You can't!
_______________
How do you get a clarinetist out of a tree?
Cut the noose.
_______________
How do you know a clarinet player is playing loud?
You can almost hear them.
_______________
How do you know when a clarinet player is at your house?
They don't know where to enter and what key to use.
_______________
How do you know when a clarinetist has died?
The concertmaster moves them back a chair...
_______________
How do you make a saxophone sound like a clarinet?
Miss a lot of notes...
_______________
How do you put down a tenor saxophone?
Confuse it with a bass clarinet.
_______________
How do you put a twinkle in a clarinetist’s eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear!
_______________
How do you stop an oboe from being stolen?
Put it in a clarinet case.
_______________
How does a clarinetist get the best parking spaces?
He leaves his instrument case on the dashboard.
_______________
How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one.
_______________
If most musicians are either high or low, what does that make an orchestral third clarinetist?
Confused.
_______________
Is there any difference between the sound of a clarinet and that of a cat in heat?
Of course there is, but only if the cat's in good health.
_______________
Most clarinetists can’t even reed music.
_______________
So, a clarinet walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
Or was that a horse? Never mind.
_______________
The advantage of a banjo over a clarinet, on a cruise ship adventure, are obvious.
If the ship hits rocks and begins to sink, a clarinet is usually too short to stand on the bottom and breathe through until rescue arrives; but a person might climb upon some floating wreckage, and use the banjo to paddle towards shore.
_______________
What do you call a bass-clarinetist with half a brain?
Gifted.
_______________
What do call a line setup by clarinets?
A circle
_______________
What do clarinetists use for birth control?
Their personalities.
_______________
What do you call clarinet players?
REED addicts
_______________
What do you call 20 clarinetists at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.
_______________
What do you get when you cross a piccolo and a clarinet?
An earache.
_______________
What do you get when you remove half a bass clarinetist's brain?
An even more gifted contrabass clarinetist.
_______________
What does a clarinet have in common with a lawsuit?
Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
_______________
What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop an clarinet into little pieces.
_______________
What kind of calendar does a clarinetist use for his gigs?
"Year-at-a-glance"!
_______________
What uses do clarinets and saxophones have in hospitals?
The saxophone is used to lull crying babies to sleep and the clarinet to wake coma patients. _______________
What's the definition of a nerd?
Someone who has his or her own alto clarinet.
_______________
What's the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a clarinet in the toilet and it doesn't hit the sides.
_______________
What's the difference between a clarinet and a mouse?
You can't hear a mouse squeak over the entire band!
_______________
What's the difference between a clarinet solo and scraping your nails down the blackboard?
Vibrato.
_______________
What's the difference between a professional clarinet player and a professional banjo player?
About $50 an hour.
_______________
What's the difference between 1st and 2nd clarinet?
A semi-tone.
And the difference between the 1st and 3rd?
A minute and a half.
_______________
What's the purpose of the bell on a bass clarinet?
Storing the ashes from the rest of the instrument.
_______________
Which hospital should a bad-sounding Clarinet go to?
Walter REED! _______________
Why are most clarinets black?
So that they will be banned in California along with black-colored cars.
_______________
Why are there so many clarinets in a concert band?
It increases the odds that one will play the right note.
_______________
Why aren't there very many alto clarinet jokes?
Most people have better things to do with their time.
_______________
Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
So they can park in the handicap zones.
_______________
Why does a clarinet disappear when it is left in a sandbox?
The cats buried it.
_______________
Why don't they make mutes for clarinets?
It would be a waste of time--it would take a lot more than a mute to make a clarinet sound good!
_______________
Why was the clarinet invented?
To make the oboe look good, mess up someone's fingers, and to ensure that there will always be someone to steal reeds from.
No comments:
Post a Comment