After the flute section has a long rest that they've been trying so hard to count in their heads for, cut off the beat before they come in for the first time in 46 measures.
Forget things. Often. Make lousy cover ups for forgetting.
Pick one section. One entire section. Hate them.
Promise administration that the band will play for every pep assembly.
Promise teachers that you won't take the band out of class for pep assemblies.
Never tell students about the assembly.
Use the term "Let's just make sure it wasn't luck" very often. In your world, it will mean "I love torturing these kids to do it the right way more than once!"
Use the lovely device "Dr. Beat". Connect it to the big speakers, turn up the volume, and the students will have the tempo 120 beating in their head for the rest of the week.
Play a brass instrument. All band teachers play a brass instrument. It's especially enjoyable when the flutes or clarinets don't know an important trill fingering.
Try to teach them the fingering anyway.
You are always right. Unless you are conducting a band. And then still act like you are right.
When the band isn't doing something right, you need to remember that your baton isn't just for counting beats.
Hope to death that no one invents a way for a metronome to take a bow.
Don't conduct what the band is supposed to play, conduct what they're about to play.
Smile.
Nod.
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